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| I found a great download site where you can download man old dos games. The link is here:
http://free-game-downloads.mosw.com
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| Is there a cure for sadness? Is getting exactly what your heart desires what you need? I am spent. I don't know what I mean to anyone. I want to mean something substantial. I want to be held by warm arms, kissed by warm lips, loved. I want to be seen by someone who isn't looking at me through a mirror. Is my depression killing me inside? Am I hopeless? My mind tells me I am, but my heart which can't help but love, loves me. Am I week because I cry alone in public bathrooms? Am I lost in jealousy? I envy the seductive smiles, the tender hand clasps, the warm embraces. I envy the genuine smiles, and the aparent togetherness. I hate my lack of order, my aptitude for chaos, disorder, confusion, and sadness. I hate my masks. they hide me, and they are killing me. I am falling but I won't let them watch me hit; even though I know they would hold out a blanket for me to save me from the shattering rocks. I don't even want to continue because it hurts too much.
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| For those of you that care about tennis, Maria Sharapova just won the women's title last night against Justine Henin-Hardenne. She won in two sets (6-4, 6-4). I was really excited that she won because she is only 19 and she is gorgeous. The men's final is today at 4 with Andy Roddick vs. Roger Federer. I really want Roddick to win but I doubt that he will because he is 1-10 against Federer. But Andy has been on fire, maybe he can muscle his 145mph serve past him and come out with a win.
But the real news of the evening was that Ohio State murdered Texas yesterday in the rematch game (24-7). Granted, I didn't see the entire game because, as can be deduced by the above paragraph, I was intermitently watching the US Open, but what I did see was OSU storming over the field. In the first quarter, linebacker Laurinaitus forced a fumble on Texas when they were on the one yard line about to score. Laurinaitus ran it back almost 50 yards. in the second quarter, the same linebacker picked off an interception and ran it back to about the thirty yard line from which they would eventually make a field goal (17-7). The final touchdown was a 60 yard pass to Ted Ginn, Jr. to the inzone. It was a thing of beauty. OSU wins 24-7. Yeah buddy, now we need to beat Michegan and it is on the national championship, I am sure of it.
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| To borrow a phrase from Johnny Depp in the movie, Finding Neverland, I have a talking whale in my imagination and it is dying to get out. But I can't release it. For those of you that don't know, I am taking composition lessons with Dr. Stokes (the bass professor) and my first assignment is to write an a cappella choir piece (an self assigned assignment). I need a text that I can set to music...I haven't done an exhaustive search yet (mainly Lewis Carroll poems). If anyone who would venture to read this has a favorite poem or text, I would be glad to read it....I need some inspiration that isn't coming quite yet.
In other news, a coworker of mine was robbed on Wednesday night. He was on a delivery on E. Moore St. and he went up to the address he was given and the woman who lived there said that there was no one there had ordered any food. So he went to the adjacent apartment to check if it was a simple mistake. It wasn't, they hadn't ordered food either. So as he goes back to his car, he gets a gun pointed at him and the person holding the gun shouted "Put your phone under the truck and give me the bag and all your cash." Of course, he does so without question. The robbers grab the loot and run off and as soon as they do, Ryan (the one I work with) flags down a cop. I don't know if they caught the robbers...but my opinion is that they got away...this time. The good thing about all this is that Ryan didn't have much cash on him and that he was uninjured. He was very lucky that he didn't panic and try to run away. That could have been very bad. I would have been very scared myself.
Any way, the rest of my week has been going well. I got a new bike to ride to classes. It is so nice, I feel like a kid again (more so than I already do, lol). Getting the bike out of Wal-Mart however is another story all together, Keri and I can attest that is was definately an adventure.
Well that wraps up this episode of Ben's Life and how marvelous it is. Tune in next time to see what happens.
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| It has been a little while since I have updated. I don't really count the poetic entries I sometimes supply because that isn't really me talking (well it is, but not through my own voice, as it were). I write what I think in poetry because that is far easier than to say in plain English what exactly I am feeling. I don't know why I feel the need to not be poetic in this entry, but I feel that I am hiding behind a wall, trying to impress people with poetic prowess (what little I may possess). I guess the long in short of it is...I don't like who I am and what I have become. I don't find the fun in life when I am alone like I used to. I used to be friends with myself. Somewhere along the line I learned how to forget about my needs and attend to those of others. While that is a great quality to have, it does have many hurtful drawbacks. I have forgotten how to love myself. I have so much love in my heart and I give it all away willingly with a smile on my face. The recipient of this love doesn't even have to return it. This may sound very romantic to you guys, but I am slowly burning myself out. My life behind closed doors has been very bitter; jealousy consumes me and I find that many of my closest friends seem distant to me. There are times when I want to pick up the phone and call random names on my list and apologize for something which has no acceptable apology. I am sorry for giving my entire heart and soul and leaving nothing for myself? How can you react to something like that?
I have become so introspective that I have forgotten about real life. I forget my keys in my apartment, I lose track of time, I misplace something that I need ten seconds before I need it, I mix things up, I can't focus, I am confused, my fuse is short, I yell, I scream, I get mad at people, I blame them for something for which they could never have been at fault. My grades have slipped, money slips through my fingers, my heart isn't in anything anymore, every day is just the same. I have become careless, and lazy, I don't clean my room enough, I don't take care of myself, I don't know what I want for my future. My parents are worried that I am going to depend on them for the rest of my life...so am I.
And just when I think that today is going to be ok, that everything is going to be different today, I get blindsighted by something that shouldn't even have been an issue, something that should have been taken care of months ago. I know I need to turn my life around, lose weight, take better care of myself, but I don't have the heart to try. I have almost given up on myself, just caring enough to wake up and go to work.
Well, let me at least sit on the porch with a good book while I watch the thunderstorm of my life rage just outside.
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